November 8 and bringing order to (my) chaos

(My current phone screen)

When you are 57 years old and you decide to change it all up. Cuz it is about time.

Have I mentioned that I am super OCD? A perfectionist? A keeper of habits and routines? Lover of tradition? Back when the littles were, well, little, I had to let a lot of that go. Because, and let me use kind and gentle lingo here, I was angry all the time. My husband will tell you that is an understatement. My children can recant some rages. Or maybe they have suppressed that. Waiting for it to come all out on the psych couch. In any case, I had to let it go. And let my kiddos be kiddos. Free to make messes in the kitchen when “helping” me cook and bake. That one, by the way, has served us all well…all three of my children can cook, and I’m not just talking simple stuff that anyone can do. They cook and bake like Ina married Guy. (Watch HGTV and you will get that.)

Now, though, it is time to (re)embrace the craziness that is my strong Enneagram 1. But because of all of these tendencies, I really really struggle with doing one thing at a time, getting that down, and moving on to the next thing. For me, it is more of a plate-spinning act with 20 plates spinning at the same time. Gonna be a lot of crashes. When I jumped into no-social-media-August with all the intentions, it all came crashing down pretty quickly. There was some heavy outside of my control things crushing me then too so it was no wonder I couldn’t sustain it.

November has been different. Here’s the thing. When you have something totally out of your control happening to you, making choices and changes that are usually hard to make, let’s you take charge of at least your response to what is happening to you. It has been a long time coming, but I finally was able to do that. Wise counsel, tons of prayer and meditation, and maybe most importantly, getting my family on board, sees me on the other end of that situation. People…it is soooooo freeing. I wish I had made this call a year and a half ago, but now I feel like my entire world has opened up. Which means I am trying to run with it. Holding it together and doing one step at a time (okay, maybe three steps at a time…that’s the best I can do!) has been and has to be a daily, hourly even, conscious decision.

My point is, you can make change happen. Hang in there. Get good counsel (or counseling). Talk to your people and listen to what they say. And pray. Journal. Scream. Listen. Repeat.

More on all of this tomorrow.



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