It’s all…or nothing, baby.

My sweet friend, Joanne Heim, had me pegged years ago and, if I had the time, I know I could find the email she sent to me that stated this, but I am an all or nothing kind of girl. And a people pleaser to boot. Definitely a wicked combination. It’s why I struggle with writing; music; relationships; life.

I don’t want to get side-tracked by this opening paragraph and maybe I’ll explore it a little deeper at a later date, but I wanted you to know why I don’t write as much as I should and why I have avoided…nay, slammed my desire and need to write more often about the spiritual side of my life. This morning during my quiet time, however, I realized that by ignoring the foundation of my being and not writing about it is denying it. Flat out denying it and Him. A random comment one day stopped me in my spiritual-writing tracks. If you read my journal (and you never will as my husband, children and bff’s are all sworn to destroy all of my journals the second I pass, on threat of life-long haunting), you would think that I am nothing but a spiritual writer. I need to allow God to define my writing voice, instead of trying to control it myself. And, if you have read any tidbit of my blog, you would know I struggle mightily with the issue of control. But I digress.

So really, really, really stepping out on a limb this morning…a limb that is hanging over the deepest crevices of the Grand Canyon, I’m going to share some of my journal writing with you. Something I journaled this morning, actually.

August 23, 2012
You are Holy. You are Mighty. You are Able.
Your silence is unbearable. Your love, overwhelming.
Forgive me my over-reactions; my reliance on my knee-jerk emotion. 
It is not of You.
How many lessons will it take? 
How many times must I fail; sink; throw myself into the miry pit; before I get it?
Yet, as soon as I sink to the bottom, I look up and see your hand; your arm. Reaching down to pull me up. To pull me out. The dust settles; the fog clears; and there You Are. 
Calm. Comfort. 
Holding my worry and pain and fear and hurt in the palm of Your hand saying,
See? I’ve got it.
See? I’ve got you.
See? All is well.
Even Andy; our pain, our hurt, our bewilderment, our heart. There he is…healthy; well; at peace; his amazing smile blinding, as always. And You prove to me again,
“Before they call I will answer; While they are still speaking I will hear.” – Isaiah 65:24
Before you call, Susan, I will answer; While you are still speaking, Susan, I will hear you.

Lion of Judah, help me to remember.

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