I have so been struggling lately, Siestas. In a big way.
I sat down this morning for some quiet time. Picked up my devotional and turned to January 6. It was good (every day is good in this devotional). And then I sat there for about 10 minutes. Unsure of what to do next. What to pray about. What to think about. Talk about your “quiet time”! It was God’s way of getting me to go where He wanted me to go. Where I needed to go.
I rarely flip back thru my journals. (Sometimes it’s just too depressing to see that I’m still struggling with the same issues I wrote about a month, three months, one year ago.) My journal flipped open to a loose, typed sheet of paper. An e-mail I had sent The Girls on August 24, 2007. As I began to read it…felt I was SUPPOSED to read it…I realized I am still there. Back on August 24, 2007, still struggling today, everyday, with this same pit. And I knew I needed to share it with you because someone out there is struggling with this pit, too. And they need to know they are not the only one.
I need to know that I’m not the only one.
August 24, 2007
Funny how these things happen…funny in a “God way”.
It all started yesterday morning when I pulled up the LPM blog and read this from Beth Moore:
“Because of this I remind you to rekindle God’s gift that you possess…For God did not give us a Spirit of fear but of power and love and self-control…PROTECT THAT GOOD THING (the truth) entrusted to you, through the Holy Spirit who lives within us.” 2 Timothy 1:6,7,14 New English Translation
1. Don’t let that precious gift God has given you lay dormant. Rekindle it in the power and passion of Christ Jesus! Use it at every God-given (as opposed to man-driven) opportunity. Gifts mature and increase with time and practice if we have a healthy, lively relationship with Christ through His Word.
2. Protect that gift (or those gifts) ferociously from shifting from the power and anointing of the Holy Spirit to the determination and grit or rote action of the flesh. (Galatians 3:3) I implore us all in the great and saving Name of Jesus to resist spiritual laziness and keep in step with the Spirit. It’s easier to obey laws and keep our rituals than to be led of the Spirit. Galatians 5:25 Fiery fresh relationships with Jesus and boldness to ask Him to make Himself conspicuous through the gifts He has entrusted to us! “
So I started investigating in my bible just what all of it means and how it reads in different translations, etc. Which is what I’m trying to do more of, these days. Thirst for the Word, long to learn more, dig deeper. I really pray that each of us is filled with that longing.
I was pulled over to Genesis Chapter 19. Lot and his wife. God led me there. It wasn’t random.
I told Jen the other day that I had found myself deep in my pit. She asked me what my pit was and I wouldn’t tell her. Couldn’t tell her? Maybe. Too embarrassed, I suppose. I do have a high standard to uphold…me up here on my pedestal, which is really deep in my pit. When I told her I couldn’t say, I was INSTANTLY, as I was saying it, convicted that I had to say it. I had to come clean. But I couldn’t. But now I will. Hold onto your hats.
My pit, the main pit, that one that catches me every time, the one that I really sink deep and hard and fast into is that I long for things I can not/do not have.
There, you have it.
Have a nice day and chat with you later.
What’s that, God? That’s not good enough!? Tell them THE REST? Yikes!
Not only do I long for things I can not/do not have, I fantasize about them, obsess about them, get lost in them. We’re not just talking a new car, people. We’re talking the major “what ifs”. What if I hadn’t married this man, but married that man? What if I had finished college. What if we sold this house and purchased that house…the one with the pool and room for a pony out back (my reference to Hyacinth on Keeping up Appearances). What if, if only, yadda yadda.
And I can get lost and drug down and wallow in it for days. Weeks! And I do mean down and dirty and wallowing deep.
By the Grace and Mercy of God, He has not (yet) turned me into a pillar of salt. And that, my friends, is why He led me straight to Genesis 19. Lot’s wife (she who is not named) turned back…longed for the past…couldn’t/wouldn’t/didn’t wanna leave it. She was warned not to turn back and look.
Matthew Henry’s Concise Commentary puts it like this and it hit me right, square in the middle of my forehead:
“Lot (and Lot’s wife) lingered;…trifled. Thus many who are under convictions about their spiritual state, and the necessity of a change, defer that needful work. The salvation of the most righteous men is of God’s mercy, not by their own merit. We are saved by grace. God’s power also must be acknowledged in bringing souls out of a sinful state If God had not been merciful to us, our lingering had been our ruin. Lot must flee for his life. He must not hanker after Sodom. Such commands as these are given to those who, through grace, are delivered out of a sinful state and condition. Return not to sin and Satan. Rest not in self and the world. Reach toward Christ and heaven, for that is escaping to the mountain, short of which we must not stop.”
And really, which of us AREN’T under conviction about our spiritual state and the necessity for change?! I know, know, KNOW that I am. The work that He has begun in me He will complete…but He can’t progress in that work as long as I am looking back, longing for, the past, what I don’t have/can’t have WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO HAVE. Well…that’s it right there, isn’t it? It just flew off the end of my fingertips. I had never realized it before. WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO HAVE. Not mine. Wasn’t part of my cup. Not part of my “lot”. (Get it…ar ar…)
And I’m still here today. Struggling with this very same issue. And it’s impacting my marriage. My home. My relationships. My life.
Me and God have a lot of work to do this week.