Standing in the overwhelm.
I dreamt during the night that I stood in the middle of chaos and overwhelm. It was more a feeling and less a look but if I had to describe it, I would say a swirling mass of grey and black smoke that made it impossible to breathe. I woke up, not surprisingly, feeling anxious and out of sorts.
Since I was warm and cozy in bed, with two kitties snuggling alongside my upper and lower halves, I decided to pull my shit together before getting out of bed. I reached for my phone to distract my racing heart reading about everyone’s wonderful life on social media. To be fair, I am less and less following folks who have it all together and post all the glam and glory. More and more I am attaching myself to those brave enough to be real and honest, joyful and broken. One of those Instagram accounts is Lindsay Letters. Lindsay’s daughter, Eva (pronounced Ava), suffered a traumatic brain injury a few months ago and people across the world have been lifting Eva Love up in prayer. The post I read this morning was about Lindsay’s best friend and I clicked on her linked account and one post caught my eye for no other reason than God. The caption read, “peace, bring it all to peace. The storm surrounding me. Let it break at Your name.” 1
Not too long ago, I would be a stressed, angry, defeated mess letting the chaos and overwhelm take over. This morning I listened to some Christian music and enjoyed the quiet of the house and allowed my mind to wander. I thought about our niece’s upcoming wedding this weekend and that we will all be together to celebrate, minus our oldest who is in San Antonio and can’t make it back for the wedding. And missing our Andy, the bride’s brother, my sister’s oldest, who died suddenly eight years ago. The joy this weekend will have a light covering of sadness as all our family events have these last eight years. I let the tears come. Grief is a crazy ride, man. It can hit you from behind without warning. I’ve learned to go with it. To mourn. And to allow God to turn the mourning into joy with memories. And I try to remember that every day we live, we are one step closer to seeing Andy again. For eternity. In a place where there is no chaos, no darkness, no nightmares. Only joy. Remembering that my time on earth is just a tiny blip that I need to make the most of got me out of bed and moving forward this morning. After all, there is a wedding to celebrate. Time to be spent with family and friends. Work to be done. People to love. Critters to snuggle. Hymns to sing.
Go. Do. Love.
1 Tremble, Hank Bentley / Mia Fieldes / Andres Figueroa / Mariah McManus. CCLI# 7065049.