Photos: Travis J. Arnold
Technically, we were home yesterday, but I spent the day pulling little bits of memories from the weekend and storing them in my heart. And a couple of hours at the barn. That was pretty much my day.
My night, however, was dark and long. Isn’t that the way so often? You are coming off a great weekend filled with love, laughter, and your people or maybe you have finally completed a huge goal that has taken months (or years), or maybe a victory that you just need to settle in on soak it all in? And then the dark thoughts creep in. The doubts. The “what if’s” and “if only’s.” No? Maybe I am the only one that happens to.
I crashed hard last night and slept like the dead for about 3.5 hours. I awoke with a start, not sure if a sound, or movement (hello two kitties and a spouse in the bed with me), or maybe the darkness had already invaded my dreams. It was another 3 hours before I fell back asleep, right before the alarm went off. Those 3 hours were spent trying to escape the anxiety creeping in. The worry. The fears. The doubts. They swirled around me, pressing deeper and deeper upon me like a thick layer of suffocation. I (finally) remembered to cry out to God. Yeah…that should be the first thing, right? My go to. It rarely is…thirty-two years into this walk with Him and I’m still blindsided by the darkness, allowing it to completely cover me before I remember how and Who to dig me out. Once I turned it all over to Him, I was able to fall back asleep, still restless. Still fighting the demons in my sleep, except this time I had the same one-word response to every dark, anxious thought: Jesus.
Nope. I didn’t get up to go to the gym. I snuggled deeper under the warm blankets and let the kitties settle in closer. I needed that sleep after a mostly sleepless night. The battle isn’t over. It’s probably just begun if my past is any indication of my future. Heading into these last six weeks of the year will be busy. For a time, I’ll forget Who is going before me and clearing the path and laying the foundation. And I’ll continue to lose some sleep, Today will be spent in some reflection, prayer, planning, and mostly, a refresher course on each and every time He has come through for me in the past.
See Y’all tomorrow. Praying some Light over each of you.