It’s snowing again. Shhhh…don’t tell anyone but…I love it. I don’t care that it is almost April. It’s not that I don’t love Spring. I do. A lot. But fast upon the heels of Spring comes Summer and all her in-your-face heat, humidity and ‘hey, good luck with that hair gel’ nonsense. Don’t even talk to me about swimsuits. I suppose I’m even less looking forward to Summer this year *as if that’s possible* because we are not going to the beach for the first time in, like, forever. Even the year we did the Disney cruise and two weeks in Germany, we still went to the beach that Summer. I did get two brand spankin’ new bathrooms out of this 2014 deal, but will miss our annual beach week.
The white and gray bleakness of this Winter has fit right in with my mood this season. I can’t ever remember struggling with the darkness like I have the last six months. Impossible to see while living it, looking back I can see so clearly. I’ve focused on the lost; the regret; the pain. I’ve seen the joy; the light; and happiness but as if through fwog *The Wild Boy’s baby terminology for ‘fog’ and I just love it so much I can’t go back to the correct pronunciation.*
On the drive home from Roanoke last Sunday, I had a good out loud discussion with God. Sure, I was the only one speaking out loud, but you know what I mean. I told Him I just can’t go on like this anymore. Something has got to give. Someone has to do something. I turned my crying to crying out; my internal raging to external raging to the only One who can really get things started.
I’ve really struggled with guilt. The times I feel happy, feel Joy, I also feel guilt. How dare I be happy when we have had so much loss! As I shouted out those thoughts, Jeremiah 31:13 covered me:
I will turn their mourning into gladness; I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow.
It doesn’t say not to mourn, not to have sorrow. But in our mourning there will be gladness; our sorrow will give way to comfort and joy. Not of our own doing, but by His.
Will I still mourn the preciousness we have lost? Always. Will I continue to feel times of sorrow? Until the day I die. But today, I am turning to the Comforter for my promised gladness, comfort and joy.