January 1, 2010

Happy New Year!

Two Thousand and Nine was a year. I am glad to physically put it behind me. However, the pain, joy, and lessons learned will stay with me the rest of my life. This is the year that I truly discovered what being a friend means. I am blessed to have many. This is the year that I truly embraced love your neighbor as yourself.

This is the year that my husband of 26 years turned 50 years old. Half a century. I think it impacted me more than it did him, for several reasons: He only grows more handsome to me as he grows older; we have been married for more than half our lives; this means I will soon be turning 50. (that last one was the kicker.)

I no longer do “resolutions.” I do, however, reflect back over the last year, scan through my 2009 journals and lay out before God some things I want to change and open my heart to what He wants me to change. Often, the two lists are not the same. I have found it is better (easier?) to work on the list He gives me rather than my own.

Yesterday, Russell and I sat on the couch in our living room watching disc after disc of Lost, Season 5. This has become an annual New Year’s tradition for us. We want to be ready for the next season and let’s face it, if you watch Lost, you know it is very easy to get, well, lost in all that goes on.

As we sat together, just the two of us, I asked him, “what are we going to do differently in 2010?” His response of, “I don’t know, hon…I don’t know” was exactly why I asked him that question. We are not where we want to be. And I know, beyond doubt, that we are not ultimately in control. This has been the year to give up all semblance of control and lean heavily on faith. Truthfully, it scared me that he said, “I don’t know…”. I want him to know. I need him to know. ‘Cuz I don’t.

I truly had hoped to wake up this morning, the first morning of a new decade, and all of the answers would be laid out for us…how to deal with a daughter spinning wildly out of control? how to continue loving and supporting a family so very dear to us as they continue to grieve and mourn the loss of a wife and mother, also a much-loved friend of ours? how to deal with my own sense of loss and grief over both of these horrific events?

I do not have any of the answers this morning. Most likely, I will not be able to articulate any answers over the next year or years. I will, instead, do what I have been doing this last year…step out in faith and hope. I’ve finally figured out that it is pretty much all I can do most of the time.



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