This could be a very long or very short post. I’m not sure yet which direction it will go. It may be a two-or-three parter. I’m going to type as long as I can. Before I nod off in the desk chair. Because when you have 101 degree fever you either sleep a lot or blog. I’ve been sleeping a lot. Now I must blog. Cough. Hack. Wheeze. Blow.
Please don’t remind me that I posted on Joanne’s blog that I was jealous of her down time (i.e., forced rest due to illness). I wish I could say I will never wish that again, at least not out loud, but the truth is…I’m thankful for this time of rest. I feel really…REALLY…crappy and I’m supposed to do very little talking because my throat looks like swollen hamburger meat. The upside to all of that is that I have procured myself a bell.
And I use it at will. Someone always comes running. Eventually. If they aren’t pretending they didn’t hear it. Because you know they did. The stinkers.
All in all, they’ve been good to me. But it’s only been Day 1. I is actually Day 3 of feeling poorly and having a fever, but I don’t want to hear anything about how stupid I was to go ahead and drive to Northern Maryland with my daughter and bff in tow and stay in a hotel and spend the entire day Sunday at a volleyball tournament and then drive back late at night last night. It was worth every, sleepless minute. Okay, I did nod off between games, but I roused myself for every game! Oh, and my daughter…she had her game on. I can say that, right? Cuz she surely did. I love to hear an opposing coach tell her blockers that my 5 foot 6 and one half sweet thing hit OVER their beastly tall blocks. Oh, yes she did! Lol. Cough. Hack. Wheeze. She and I have talked about “pushing her game up a level”. And she is doing it. I’m really proud of her. She is dealing with the strain of keeping her grades up and working hard at volleyball…I try to remind her of all that she is doing and how very proud of her we are that she has really turned herself around.
Okay, clearly I wandered off there for a bit. And I’m back. Sniffle.
I really don’t know where to begin with all of this. It started as gripe in the middle of the night when I couldn’t sleep in a Days Inn in Westminster, Maryland. Saturday night. Not a gripe that I couldn’t sleep. But a gripe about my life. Do you ever do that? Lie there (or sit there) thinking about every daggone blessing He has seen fit to give you…and grip about it? Why HAS He chosen to bless me? To bless us? Blessed us beyond measure…but measure I did. In the wee hours I rattled off a zillion things. And I was thankful. So very thankful. And then I questioned Him…why, Lord? When so many around us are suffering pain. Tragedy. Loss. And when will it happen to us? That is when He stopped me. As I ran down the list of names and their subsequent pain, His voice was so clear….
Okay, let me just say right now that it is NOT the fever. I did not hear an audible voice. Lol. Cough. Hack. Wheeze. Snort.
But I knew it was Him. With each name I ticked off in my head, He reminded me that, “that is not the lot I have for you. That is not part of the cup I have for you.” Can I just say that I had one big pity party of unworthiness? It was ugly.
All day at the tournament, I listened for a word from Him. I knew He was not done with me.
Is not done with me.
He has a plan for me. He has a purpose for me. And, finally, lying in bed this morning after my doctor’s appointment, I told Him I was ready. I want Him to use me for the purpose He created me. To further His kingdom. In whatever form that takes. That’s the kicker, you know. And I was honest with Him…I’m scared. I wept and cried out to Him about it and He brought to mind scripture after scripture to calm me. To fill me. I don’t really memorize scripture…but I know that His word does not fall on fallow ground without taking root.
There are a lot of things I need to change…give up…turn from. Including some people in my life that, while I continue to pray for them and most definitely love them, they are not good for me and for my family. That realization saddens me.
I’m not sure exactly what all of this is going to involve. And I have to say that, along with fear, there is anxious anticipation. I already know of a handful of things I am to begin with. I pray that I am up to the task and I covet your prayers, as well.
And now…I’m heading back to bed. He gave me the energy to get this off my chest (so to speak…cough, hack) and now I’m exhausted!
I love you guys and I am so happy that you are along for the ride.