Do you ever just scream that out to someone? I did tonight.
To God.
He can take it.
The last two days I have been writing about rebellion and disobedience. I thought this morning that I had the ending to the piece I was writing regarding these two, totally intertwined in MY life, subjects.
Smug. Proud, even. I bragged that I had it and I knew what the answer was.
And then a huge blow this evening that set me back. Reeling. Lost. Angry. Sad. Questioning.
At 10:00 I had to go for a walk. Not a stroll…a pound-the-pavement-Travis-Cottrell-Blasting-Walk.
That is when I screamed, “what do you want from me?”
He knew Who it was directed to.
He gave me the answer. The solution and end to my rebellion and disobedience.
Becoming This Girl has been really, really hard. For a That Girl that wanted it NOW. Had to have it NOW. Lived in the moment. The future be damned. It’s been difficult. And a long time coming.
He has got me so caught now. I can’t turn back. Oh, I try. My Pit beckons me daily. But I am THIS Girl. His Girl. Try as I might to turn back, I can’t. He won’t let me. Do I even really want to?
Tonight, it looks like the easy road.
I totally believe and agree that the Husband is the head of the household. Spiritually, as well as the one we all look to.
But the Mom. Truly the heart of the household. That trite line about if momma ain’t happy…
It’s so true. At least in our household. They all look to me to set the tone. The mood. If I’m without joy, the household is without joy. If I’m happy, the household is happy and laughing. If I’m withdrawn, the household is frozen.
Tonight I had to withdraw. I had to. I needed to know, “what do You want from me”? I’m just not getting it…not able to do it…
It’s too hard, this being the Heart of the household.
It’s why I’m rebelling. It’s why I’m disobeying. And it’s why He is coming down on me.
He asked me a question years ago…when I really made the decision to be This Girl.
Do you trust Me?
I have not. I admitted as much to BFF Lori today.
Do you trust Me?
Beth Moore did point me in the right direction this morning when I heard her say in Session Three of “A Woman’s Heart…God’s Dwelling Place” that He has given us a “with need”.
We need Him to be with us.
Do you trust Me? Do you trust that what I am doing right now to you, to My Girl, to your marriage, to your church…is for your good and for My Glory? Because I want to give you My Goodness. I want to show you My Glory.
Do you trust Me?
I am with you.
Stop rebelling and disobeying My commands. Let me show you My Glory.
God, you are so amazing. I am so unworthy. Help me to trust You.
susanwheelersmith.com 
Your post made me search my own soul. I know God did not save me to sit here huting, so where do I go now. I go to Him in prayer and I know that is what I am supposed to do and yet no answers come. I feel as lost as you sound. I said a prayer for you. God bless
LikeLike
Thanks for being so real. This was a very poignant post. Solid truth.
LikeLike
You have such humility about it, though. Most of the time when I’m rebelling or disobedient, I am trying to convince everyone that it’s something else altogether. 🙂
LikeLike
Hey Susan,Have to tell you how much I look forward to reading your blog these days, to receiving a word from God through you.Been thinking a lot about humility and pride and trust lately myself and love this definition I came across recently: Humility is trusting God and others with who I really am. It’s given me lots of food for thought, and something tangible to grab onto as I think all this through.And then yesterday a friend reminded me that humility and humiliation are two different things. When we humble ourselves before God he lifts our heads; humiliation is not his way. Humiliation shoves our faces in the dirt and holds them there. And so the interesting thing is that no one can MAKE us humble, it’s something that must be done on our own in response to God and others. It something we do as we trust.Praying for you today, dear friend whom I’ve never really met but know I will some day!Joanne
LikeLike
Susan,When you are the mom it seems your personal crisis are a crisis for the well being of the family. Alone time with Him is so necessary for letting it all out without stressing everyone out. I’ve recently walked through a dark personal time that marked my husband and daughters as well as myself-Jesus brought us ALL back to the light. I’m praying for you.Kathy
LikeLike