This is post 387 that I’ve written over the last couple of days. This one just may make it to the Press Publish Stage.
I don’t write to be funny. I don’t write funny stuff on purpose. But I do like to crack people up. When I was That Girl, I had a wicked, often cruel sense of humor. I hated it. Yet, I continued to do it. (Typical Paul thing going on.) *I like that word…wicked…in a Maine-ish sort of way, not bad sort of way*
I do try to write from the heart. Sometimes my heart spews out pure crap. You don’t want to read that. I don’t want to read that. I’m a work in progress, like everyone is. The crap is still in there. Sometimes it bubbles to the surface. But more and more, I am able to ignore it, and even push it back down. I love that as we grow…spiritually, emotionally…we are more able to recognize the crap for what it is and even, dare I say, go days without even noticing it. *I just used the word crap more times in one paragraph than I have in the entire history of my blogging*
So lately, the thoughts coming into my brain and turning into words have not been good (successfully avoided using the word crap) and so, because I am growing, I have not really spoken a lot, let alone written. It’s all because I’m totally ticked at God. I heard your *gasp.* It’s okay, I think, to be ticked at God. For me, it means He is doing stuff (or not doing) that I don’t like which means, more than likely, He is trying to grow me. Growing is hard. Growing is painful. Growing stinks. It often takes me a few
weeks days to catch on that He is purposely denying whatever it is I think I want. He lets me stew for a few days; gives me a false sense of “see? I can so do this without You!” And I actually can do it without Him. For a few days. And then it turns to crap poop. It eats at me. It churns my gut. My children look down when I approach for fear that making eye contact will release the monster that is their mother’s anger. My Man suddenly has to work a lot of late hours. Really…who can blame any of them? Even my text messages get ugly. After a bit, I totally just shut down.
But here’s the good thing. He woos me back. At first…I totally ignore Him. A kind word from a stranger; cookies left on my doorstep (not enough of that is happening, by the way), a call from a friend I haven’t heard from in for-ev-er. A pretty butterfly with amazing colors plants itself right in my path at eye level. And when none of that really seems to get my attention…He pulls out the big guns. Suddenly, I am hit with scripture from every angle. Not just scripture…but scripture that means something to me personally. A favorite verse or phrase. A song…one song in particular…pops up first thing on my iPod or Cheryl, our worship leader, just happens to choose it for worship that Sunday.
And it gets me every. single. time. I can’t ignore the scripture. Not for long, anyway. Finally, this evening, after pretending to not notice any of the wooing He has been doing the last few days, this popped up at the top of my timeline on Facebook:
Because really, wanting it my way; wanting to be in charge; wanting to completely run the show…that’s what my problem is. And trust me, there is no peace in my life or my family life, until I do exactly what bff Bethie says right there.
While I can’t say I am completely at peace this evening, I am a long, long way from the crap.
I love you guys. Chat soon.