Seriously, it is hard to remember when all the days seem to run into each other as one big NCIS-watching-box-unpacking-marathon.
So here’s the deal. The last couple of days have been really hard. I vacillate between silence, rage, sobs, and need-to-kill. My poor husband has certainly been the recipient of all these emotions this week. He is incredible. He’s still speaking to me. He is the least deserving target but is truly the only one that can take it. I’ve apologized more to that man in the last month than the entire span of our marriage (date of which was September 10, 1983…don’t try to do the math…I was a child bride.)
So, I finally put into perspective what is driving this psychotic emotional roller coaster. I feel guilty. I feel guilty that I want to get back to some semblance of normal (I know, I know, I know…that word…normal.) I want to be able to laugh and joke and smile and do things and be happy and joyful and to stop crying and to stop raging and to stop aching and…just be me.
But I keep stopping myself from doing that, being that, because it feels wrong. Oh I totally hear Andy saying to me, “Doo-Doo…seriously? Get on with it.” But I just haven’t been able to let myself do it yet.
Which has caused, I’m guessing, all of this all-over-the-place emotional stuff. Last night, after serving a crowd of hungry youth at DNow, a couple of my sweet friends chatted with me about all of this. I think I’m also struggling with just wanting to stop being the girl that everything keeps happening to and go back to being me. It’s hard to separate from all of that stuff. When life around me is chatty and happy and celebratory, I’m thinking…it was like that before Andy; before Katie; before Beth. I suppose it is a form of self-pity. And I hate that. I’m not that girl anymore; I don’t want to be that girl anymore.
Yesterday, when I was really struggling, I clicked on my iTunes and cranked it up to my Worship play list…”Mom’s Worship.” *original, I know* First song up? At Your Feet by Casting Crowns. Lord have mercy, if you don’t know that song, you need to know that song.
And I remembered… “Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete.” (John 6:24). “…knock and the door will be opened to you.” (Matthew 7:7). “Holy, holy, holy is the LORD Almighty; the whole earth is full of his glory.” (Isaiah 6:3.)
I need to lay it all at His feet. Verbally, physically, spiritually.
So I’ve been trying to do that today. I don’t know how my baby sister is going to get through this. But I’m going to have to be strong in order to help her.
I’ve resented having to be the strong one. Please forgive me, Lord, for that. You put me here at such a time as this to be the strong one. I can do it. I have been doing it for the last 3 years. I can continue doing it…here at your feet.
Love y’all. Thanks for loving me back.