Hi. My name is Susan. And I am a control freak.For my two regular readers who know me well, this is not news.
I love to take full control of a situation so that I can manipulate it to go the way I want. Just being honest here.
Or at least, that was the old Sooz…THAT Girl.
THIS Girl, however, has grown. Matured. Wised up. Or more likely, just been thrown into so many uncontrollable situations by God that she has had to let go of the control.
Having said that…the desire to control is always present. But I’ve learned that there is only one Controller and He is in total control. Nothing happens in this world…let me say that again...nothing happens in this world that He doesn’t know about; that He hasn’t given His consent to. Does that hurt you like it hurts me? I denied that statement for years. How can a loving God allow such massive tragedy? Children dying of cancer and other disease. Earthquakes that kill 100’s of thousands of people. Thousands of children starving to death every day. Children used as slaves. Dear friends dying of cancer. Thirty-eight year old healthy women suffering massive strokes. I’m not going to quote scripture here. I want you to find scripture on this if you feel so inclined. But I will tell you what I know: there is Good and there is evil. Without one there cannot be the other. If it was all good, all the time, we would have no need for God. A relationship with Him is the reason He created us. He seeks us out in order to have a relationship with Him. In time…His time…He will set all things right again. All things will be Good for eternity. Oh, and miracles? They do still happen. One of them is living in my house. I believe in miracles. Period.
But I still want to control. Deeply embedded in my flesh is the need to control. I fight it every second of every day.
When my friend Beth became ill, I was able to satisfy my need to control by setting up meals for the family, keep the world informed a bit on what was going on, etc. I was also able to see her, touch her, love on her, bring her favorite Starbucks Green Tea Lemonade to her.
Today, 1700 miles across the United States, a friend is lying in a hospital bed. I can’t control any of it. I’m not physically near to jump in and set up meals, financial aid, rides, give out news. But thankfully, there are those that can. I can’t touch her, love on her, hold her hand, whisper my love to her. But thankfully, He has placed others there that can. My need to control is so great, I have looked into airline fares to Colorado Springs. But then what? For now, He has instructed me to stand down. To do the things I can do. Pray. Fast. Talk with the other women in my life who also love Joanne. Appreciate and love on my own family. Recognize that our time here is short.
That is what I am doing today. I woke up early to pray. I am fasting from food. I guzzled my first cup of coffee in Joanne’s honor. I am switching to healthy beverages for the remainder of the day. I will stop and pray throughout the day. I will exercise lightly this morning and work on projects around the house. It is all I can do. It is what I am supposed to do.
Allowing Him to control.
For the first time in a week…I am at peace.
Love you guys.