My Girl

I sit looking out the sliding glass doors from our living room to the deck and the woods beyond. The rising sun is streaming through the tops of the trees and it is so peaceful. I can almost imagine that everything is just the way it is supposed to be.

It is not.

A part of me is missing.

And try as I might…I cannot get past it.

I pray daily, often repeatedly throughout the day, for the peace that passes all understanding. It does not come.

Maybe it is not supposed to come. Maybe I am not supposed to feel peaceful about missing her. Maybe then I would become complacent.

Oh, I know that she belongs to Him. I know that He not only has a plan…His plan is happening as I type this.

I cannot help the “what ifs?” “What if we had done this instead of that?” “What if we totally shut her down and then she does this?”

“What if we lose her for good?”

Our Pastor has “lost” his daughter. She has shut them out of her life for over three years now. No contact. No calls. Just silence.

I do not know how he and his wife bear it.

I miss My Girl. Every minute of every day.

I am thankful, please do not get me wrong, that she is still on this Earth and that because of that there is Hope. We have friends who have lost their children through illness, suicide, accidents.

Some days, though, it is just hard to keep going. Hard pretending that all is right in our world. Impossible to stop the ache in my chest and the tears that flow unchecked. Unstoppable.

I think I will be spending some extra time in my grandmother’s chair this morning, by the doors leading to the deck. Pretending that everything is as it should be.

9 thoughts on “My Girl

  1. Dern, why can I not be there to hug you, to let you scream and cry and get all loud about it and to walk beside you on this journey? WHY?!
    I love you girl! LOVE you!


  2. Sooz,

    Your heart is beautiful and broken. I'm so sorry. Please know I'm here for you–always. I will drop everything to pray for you when you are hurting–please know that you are never far from my thoughts.

    Much love friend,


  3. Thanks, girls. I try not to go on and on about it…we all have our pain and hurt, but sometimes I just have to be real about it. It sucks. It hurts. It's killing me. I appreciate your prayers and your love. I don't take it for granted.

    Smooch on your girls from their Aunt Sooz…


  4. Please know that there are many of us who are right there in this place with you. My son will be 40 in August. He's been on drugs since he was 15.

    Just this year, he's making an attempt at recovery and only because it was that or go to prison. I do know and believe God has a plan for Paul's life, but I am frustrated and heart weary.


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