That’s pretty much my description for the past few days.
It all started two weeks ago. Due to my age and certain fluctuations in hormones, I would say I probably have one good week a month. This has been true for awhile now. That one good week I’m usually pretty even-keel emotionally, spiritually and physically. The other three weeks…not so much. My emotions are all over the place; my mood swings totally unpredictable, even to me; I’m anxious and easily stressed. Physically I’m fatigued, achy, stiff, head achy, distracted, foggy and struggling with tummy issues. Spiritually…well I either question, rebel, cling, or did I mention question?
The last few days have been the worst. This morning, I just got down right angry about it. Ready to throw in the towel (not sure what that would involve, but you know what I mean). Thinking, “fine…so this pit isn’t the nicest I’ve been in but with a little paint and a few window treatments…I could stay awhile”.
Grumpy and complaining, I opened my journal and my devotional. Which happened to be Day 85 of Jesus, 90 Days with the One and Only. I have to say that I sorta got a little grin on my face when I realized what this day’s reading and discussion would be about as I read the title…The Cost of the Cross.
“So,” I thought. “You are bringing out the big guns. Going straight to the heart. Not messing around with me anymore.”
I did not sacrifice my Son on the cross for you to be in this much pain
95% of the stuff you are experiencing you are bringing on yourself with your thought patterns and “just go for it” attitude about food and eating
When was the last time you felt well and healthy and focused? I’ll tell you when…four years ago when you were down 35 pounds, eating well and exercising every day. You had none of these physical and emotional things going on
You need to trust me and believe in me. And then you will not be experiencing this anxiety and stress as you do
This too shall pass. Knowing you as I do, I will tell you that when you decide to believe me and trust me and step out, picking up your cross as you go, leaving your self and selfish attitudes and self-absorbed thoughts behind, you will see, by my power, that you will immediately be strengthened. Physically, emotionally and especially spiritually
Pick up your mat and walk, Susan. Now.
So this is not verbatim and you know that I did not (although I wish I would) hear the audible voice of God, but this is basically what I gleaned from Him and from His Word to me today.
So I picked up my mat and walked. It wasn’t far and it was by no means as fast as I would like, but I did it. Second day in a row. And then I came in and picked up my weights. Still struggling with the shoulder issues, I’m still working with light weights cuz I haven’t been working with any weights at all. Had a good upper body workout, too.
I felt better. I have to admit it. A lot better. But the real clincher was when I was getting dressed after showering. My left arm and shoulder which has been so tight and stiff (due to this frozen shoulder issue) that I’ve not been able to reach around to my back at all…suddenly today, after walking and working out, I could. In a huge way. And it was comfortable, not excruciating pain.
Seriously…the sign that He knew I needed…was this! Something as simple as being able to reach around my back. So, being me…(clinging to several That Girl tendencies) I decided to test the other arm. Same thing. While it had always been more flexible and not as painful, it was majorly improved.
To say I wept tears of joy and hope and praise and thankfulness would be an understatement. In fact, it set me back about 30 minutes trying to regain my composure.
What kind of God is He that He continues to love me, show me mercy and grace? I cannot begin to fathom. But I want to. I want to so badly.